Breastfeeding.

If you had asked me before I had children how long I thought it was appropriate for a mother to breastfeed her child, I probably would have given a diplomatic answer along the lines of: that's really up to each mother. But if I had been given an anonymous and confidential survey that asked me to explore my knee-jerk reaction to mothers who breastfeed toddlers, or preschoolers, a more honest answer may have emerged. I'm not sure exactly what the line would have been, but given the range from "Not Attempting To Breast Feed" to "Lysa Tully in Game of Thrones" I'm pretty sure my comfort zone would have fallen closer to no breastfeeding at all than breastfeeding a small and imperious six-year-old. 

Whatever my answers would have been to this hypothetical exploration of my previous feelings, my recent experiences with breastfeeding --- both the frustrating, why-am-I-torturing-us-both journey of partial success with Jonah and the equally anxiety-provoking, personally constraining, though much more successful past 21 months breastfeeding Elliott --- have changed my tune and my mind.

First of all, my new, slightly less diplomatic but equally cagey answer to any questions involving my opinion of other mothers' breastfeeding decisions is this: it's none of my fucking business. This is meant to imply, also, that it's none of your fucking business either. That applies to casual observers, other mothers, partners of other mothers, partners of the mothers in question, pediatricians, grandparents, lactation consultants, authors and editors of popular magazine articles, members of La Leche League, directors of hit TV series, teenagers, and people you only stay in touch with through Facebook.

If I sound angry, please understand that it is only because my Breastfeeding For 21 Months Gold Medal seems to be on back order, and has yet to arrive. This outward sign of my triumph over the greatest obstacles to breastfeeding - hospital interventions, nosy strangers, poor seating, tortuous and expensive nursing bras, and exhaustion - would go a long way to cheering me up right now, and probably allow me to take the f-word out of my pre-recorded response without compromising the true expression of how I feel. But since I can't have my medal yet, I'll just have to settle for a longer and slightly more thought-through expression of how I feel about breastfeeding.

10 Reasons that are NOT WHY I am still Breastfeeding My Child at 21 months:

10. NOT to make a statement about my rights to breastfeed as long as I want to. If this was just about what I wanted, all mothers would be granted free weekly spa days, regardless of breastfeeding status.

9. NOT as his main source of nutrition or calories. He eats everything, including cow's milk, cheeseburgers, and hummus. He also likes cottage cheese, canned pineapples, and Scooby Doo cookies.

8. NOT because I enjoy wearing a nursing bra. In fact, rather than continue to let my spine curve and my back go out, I gave up wearing a nursing bra after 12 months. Now I wear a regular bra and take it off to nurse. This means there are fewer places I am able to comfortably nurse my child, because wherever we are as a society, we're not quite up to my going out in public without a bra, or sticking my child in a booster seat at Starbucks while I reach around behind my own back to take my bra off.

7. NOT to make a political statement about breastfeeding. To make political statements, I re-post sarcastic breastfeeding memes on Facebook, and write lists like this one.

6. NOT because it feels good. For me, breastfeeding ranges from physically constricting, through annoying, to painful. I know the gurus at La Leche League claim it's not supposed to hurt, but from the occasional chomp, to the constant neck and arm soreness, to the lack of sleep I still get to experience, I have not found it to be a physically liberating or enjoyable experience.

5. NOT because it is the only way for him to be comforted. My child comforts himself just fine by watching Netflix on my iPad.

4. NOT because it is the greatest form of bonding for us. We bond over hide-and-seek, taking his blankies out of the dryer, and the spinning airplane game.

3. NOT so I can lose my baby weight faster. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

2. NOT to make other mothers feel guilty for not trying to breastfeed, for not wanting to breastfeed, for not enjoying breastfeeding, for not being able to breastfeed, for not breastfeeding for as long as they planned, for not breastfeeding exclusively, for not breastfeeding as gracefully or boldly as they would have imagined themselves doing it when they imagined themselves as mothers. Nor to make other mothers feel less-than for being affected by raised eyebrows in public spaces and ugly opinions on public online forums, for not breastfeeding because they had to return to work, or had other children who needed attention and care, or because they were damn tired and needed someone else to feed the baby once in a while. I wish for every mother that she could feel supported and lauded for breastfeeding or not, in peace and with pride, however, wherever, for as long as she and her child see fit, without apology or need for explanation to prudish in-laws, nosy co-workers, or well-meaning friends.

1. Finally, the reason I am still breastfeeding my child at 21 months is NOT because I am a huge Lysa Tully fan, nor because I want to appear on Toddlers and Tiaras. And, even though she is my superhero, and it really, really helped that she did, I am not still breastfeeding because Mayim Bialik made it all okay by writing her blog post on saying goodbye to breastfeeding with her four-year-old.

There is only ONE reason why I am still breastfeeding my child at 21 months: because three or four times a day, he grabs his blue blankies, hands them to me, and says, “Here. Want milky.” It sounds like “Hee-wah. Waht mokee,” but it's clear what he means. And as long as he wants it and I'm able to let him have it, who on earth else has a right to have an opinion about it?